If there is one person or more on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

And I think you all know who you are and the difference  you continue to make in my life!  <3

I'm done.

jesus_h_biscuit 




I hope, you have recovered from not feeling well this past week and can enjoy you day!

OK SEATTLE,

Is it JUNE or is it JANUARY?

SEATTLE - June feels more like January with high winds and heavy rain.

Winds reached more than 35 mph, bringing down dozens of trees and causing thousands of power outages across Western Washington, and before the night is over, more snow is expected in the mountains.

About 50,000 people were without power Monday evening – mostly around Seattle, North Bend, Kitsap County, South King County and the Olympia area.

Enough all ready!  I'm cold!

Dear Universe,

Please stop using my car's windshield as a Etch A Sketch!!!

Please, no more cracks, stars or other window dings. 

Now, I would appreciate it if you could  provide the needed insurance deductible to replace the damage done.

Thank you for your cooperation.

And as Charles Dickens said... "There is a wisdom of the head, and a wisdom of the heart."

How often to do we tend  follow what we think our head is telling us rather than our hearts?

Happy, Happy Birthday To chrisinseattle!!!

I Hope your day is everything you want it to be!

Summer has come and gone.

I've been on LJ a few times looking around for updates, inspiration and occasional photo updates but have been unable to communicate myself it seems.

I have become more impulsive and compulsive all at the same time.

That being said... I have gone out an purchased a new laptop and am on my way to Texas in just a few days to visit my best friend and his partner. It's funny, I thought I'd go relax and just take advantage of a quite space. Ha! Like that is going to happen? Quiet and my friends in the same place? What was I thinking? They have made such extravagant plans and now I am soooo excited to also be able to go to Austin and San Antonio and see others as well.

I really have not traveled other than for work in almost 3 years now. I really wanted to go to Atlanta as planed in August, but it fell through and I felt really disappointed about it. I've agreed that if a road gig comes available with the right artist that I would go in a heart beat. I have really been blessed and lucky to work with some of the most AMAZING artist and shows. Just being able to spend time with my friends I do not get to see often this past year has been healing and priceless.

The flip side of things is that I am still trying to deal with all that took place in the past few months. It's been weird that's for sure. Grief has shown it's ugly head in my life and that of other friends as well. Loss was multiplied over and over again. My friend Daniel, his father less than 6 weeks later, my great Aunt and my cousins unborn son. I sometimes wonder when this part of my journey will be lighten up, but it's just life and life as I know it. I felt so guilty that I could not be more or do more for Dan's family and especially during that time. Everything happened so fast. I miss him terribly and the fact that he died on the anniversary of my fathers death made it a bit harder for me I think. I was on overload I guess.

I have felt like I have not been able to brush myself off and get back up as rapidly as I had been doing.

A friend called me on the morning September 11th and asked me what I was going to do to in the memory of the man I loved on the 3rd anniversary of his death. I just replied that I was going to "live life". That's the most important thing I can do in his honor is to live life and go forward. I'm doing it bit by bit I guess. I know I am a different person that I was even last year at this time. Not that it still does not hurt, but the pain has lessened. I smile more at the memories instead of crying about them and the mistakes I made.

I have some medical issues that I am finding myself seeking to change doctors now. I had to "choose to know" what was is going on and I SO dislike going to the doctor, nevertheless feeling that right now I am working with someone who is just trying to medicate me rather than listen or see the whole picture. Ok, so now I am looking for another doctor that will take my insurance. So, how do I explain that one? I just did not talk about it with anyone. Not even those who are closest to me. I have had 4 biopsy's since September that were just put off so to say. The last one they removed almost 30cc's of fluid from the inside of my uterus that was not normal. When I questioned my MD on that she did not know what I was talking about and wanted to know where I got the information?!? I told her it was in the letter from the oncologist and her response was that she'd only read the last line of the letter. I was like W T F???

So, once again, I am trying to put focus on what I need to do and that means I need to take care of me too and not everyone else. I have a few friends that now know what's going on and yet, I can not seem to communicate with my biological family about it. My family seems to be more my friends than most of my blood relatives. That's normal for a lot of us, I know.

I've about run out of time sitting in this internet cafe and need to get moving.

Honestly, it's like this right now...

I've seen the Highs and the Lows ~ I prefer the Highs. I've known the Nice and the Mean ~ I prefer the Nice. "The ideals which have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been KINDNESS, BEAUTY and TRUTH." Albert Einstein

Life happens so fast. I do not feel like I have slowed down in a long, long time. (I have not been home or even slept in my own bed in over a month)

In this moment, the highs definitely have it despite how fearful and tired I really am.

This week, thou I only have one day off I need to slow down and get somethings done.

It's been a day... and I have an attitude right now...

I really want to go to Angie Aparo show tonight. I need to go and have some fun right now. With the snow and ice I almost think it's better for me to stay home. I have no problem driving in it. It's the walking in it that usually ends me up in an ER with a cast going on some part of body. How safe is it for me to really drive for a half hour at night on the black ice and it being a Saturday night on the town?

I'm having a hard time in my living space. I've had my mom with me for almost 10 years now. It's hard because I do not feel like I have my own space anymore. It's always been an issue with my grief. I get so frustrated that my mother, a depression era child saves every little thing from plastic containers to paper bags and boxes. She's a horder and hides things. Even food. If I throw something out oddly it reappears. We do not seem to get rid of things, we just move and hide things. It's sick! I've learned to take the garbage out with out her going through it.

I've been trying to clean today and get ready to re-do my bedroom. My cherry wood sleigh bed is going up after spending 6 years of being along the wall in pieces. I need a place to relax and be able to enjoy. No, really I just need some comfort right now.

O M G!!!!

Angie Aparo in SEATTLE THIS WEEKEND!!!

DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW HAPPY THIS MAKES ME???

O M G!!!!


(the only way it could be better... is if it was at my venue!!!)

Who cares? I'm going!!!! I do not care who else is in town!!!!

Is something going on with LJ that I do not know about?

My color and style of my journal has changed or has it gone to a default?

It's late... Almost New Years Eve

I'm sitting still and in silence after a long day.

I picked my friend and his partner up at the airport about 9:00 am and am just getting back home after working and going to a show with them where I work this evening. It is now almost 12:00 am.

I've had the best day with them.

It's sort of odd. I can not remember when I had this much fun with them and even in the presence of my peers at work. Odd also because I really opened up to my friends partner and let him see a side of me that Jeff rarely sees anymore with a little help from this social lubricant that we call alcohol.

Funny, for the first time in 2 years, I felt present at Christmas time. I was bad and only sent out a few Christmas cards (like 4) and was able to give very few gifts this year. I ended up having a really bad kidney infection and slept through most of it again this year. It was different. The pain of my loss had lessened, but right now in this moment I miss some others in my life so much that I sit here and cry and wonder what it is really all about.

I think I need to take my arse to bed...

Good Night and Happy New Year to all!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY angry_biscuit!!

Sorry for the late wishes...

I hope you had a fabulous day!

Thank you for the difference you make in all of our lives!

Much Love to you my friend!

Deby

I have wanted to purchase a digital camera for a while now... Today might just be the day I wander out and puchase a small one that can go everywhere with me. It's not that I can really afford a top of the line model but I want a good quality product as well. I have been looking at the Nikon Coolpix that I can get for around $100.00 to $140.00 for a 5.1 megapix and a Olympus 5.1 megapix.

Between a Nikon or Olympus does anyone have any input?

Is everyone really using Myspace these days?

It seems a lot of people in my life are.

Why am I having a hard time plugging into it?

Why can I not seem to write a profile?

Why is it that I am up at 1:50 am thinking about this? Maybe it's the fact I went to bed at 6:00 pm after a late brunch (2:30pm) and couple of drinks?

Calgon take me away!

Since September, I have not been writing/posting as much.

I think I got out of it a bit when my laptop died last year and just started spending a lot more time outside my home. Then I had to be picky on what bills I had that I could pay. MSN wanted money I did not have at the time to be on line.

Funny, two years ago this time I had just come back from Atlanta and could not see five minuets in front of me. I was numb and dealing with a lot of PTSD (post traumatic stress). Loss after loss in my life had been triggered after the death of a man who held my heart. A man who loved me, yet I fought for him not too. I was too damaged. I never imagined I would be here today. I was wishing every breath I took was going to be my last. I did not think I'd ever be able to see beyond my own pain. I did a lot of stupid things too. I tried to clear my heart and my head. I tried to do and carry everything on my own but it did not work too well.

I'm still doing grief therapy when I can. It's different now. It seems this past year I relived my father's death and Laura's murder due to some media issues (and well really my own issues). Two of the biggest losses in my life next to "M". Funny thing was I never really talked about them that much. I never knew how to communicate about it. I so did not want to hear what a church had to say about one of it's own leaders murdering his wife and children.

There are still more issues I have never given voice to from my own experience. In time I'm sure there will be a place that they they will come up and be released more. I just know today that I am not the only one who's had to face abuse, domestic violence or rape. I'm just not as unique as I thought I was. All of theses I tried to hide from a man who loved me and all it did was rob me of a precious relationship(s).

I am the one who has to change the tapes in my head. Plain and simple.


Last year I started taking more risks. I started working again little by little this personality started to return while I was working with all of these creative souls.

I'm encouraged to stand on my own at work. They trust me. Not to take shit from any artist when they are trying to take advantage of me, because first off they know me, my work ethics and have witness the bullshit happen many, many times. As I said I felt like they had given me permission and encouraged me to find my back bone and my voice.


I got caught in a bad snow storm this past week. I felt like I was in a Snow Globe. I thought... Ok, will someone please turn this snow globe I am living in right side up?

As if the pressure in my head from a cold is not bad enough... I was hours away from home.

Honestly, I thought could make a commercial...

Any other given time this would of been great, but I had responsibilities and commitments to keep. Why was I getting so upset with myself when there was nothing I or anyone else could do.

Was I the only one in this universe that was stuck in that moment? Ummmm... No.

Did I have a nice hotel room that still had power when half of the Island did not? Ummmm... Yes.

Was I warm and safe while the rest of the state looked like a heavily flocked christmas scene? Ummmm... Yes.

Did I still have ways to communicate with the outside world those who were not there to wittness my internal freak show? Ummmm... Yes.

Did I call my best friend because I knew he was going to laugh at me and make fun of my situation when I was about to cry? Ummmm... Yes. (and he laughed and made me laugh until I cried)

I was stranded, Could I accept the fact that I could not get anywhere? Ummmm... No. Come on... "I" had places to go and people to see and a job(s) to do.

I could not let myself be in that moment.

Why was it when I was calling these people I was suppose to meet and greet 4 hours away in an Airport not upset because I could not get to them? Why did I think they were going to be mad that "I" was not there? Could they not take a cab? Ummmm... Yes.

Why did my production manager call me and ask... "babe, are you safe are you ok"? "do you need money or anything?"

Ok, so I see these reflections looking back at me now... Those in my life who were there the past couple of years who have been in my corner I'm in awe that they are still here. I am thankful for the gifts and the lessons they have brought when I could not even stand on my own.

Maya Angelou

http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Maya_Angelou

http://www.quotationspage.com/quote/37953.html

"We allow our ignorance to prevail upon us and make us think we can survive alone, alone in patches, alone in groups, alone in races, even alone in genders."